Kingdom Spoof
by RedHeadFanFreak
Summary: Tired of reading fics that are in no way possible in the Kingdom Hearts world? Well, someone's finally here to change all of that. Thousands of cliches await you with the click of a button. It's time to change the world!
1. Chapter 1

Hey ya'll! I figured that, since I've been on FFN long enough I'd actually post something. This idea has been nagging at my mind for quite some time now, so let's give a little bit of pointless background info.

After toiling around the Kingdom Hearts fics, I began to notice a familiar pattern–so many Mary Sues, self insertion, pointless/impossible yaoi, and plenty of OOC-ness. A good friend of mine, RK Ryune, recently wrote a spoof on bad Inuyasha fics, entitled SuperFic! and I, with her permission, stole the idea and began one for Kingdom Hearts.

As such, this is the first fic that I've posted on here. I have written many, but this is the first that I felt the world should see. So they can all ignore my random writings if they pop up later. Haha.

Now, don't get me wrong here. It's been about three years since I played the first game, and about one since I've played the second, so I may be a tad off when I get started. BUT! that's what flames are for. I will accept flames, so help me God, as long as they will help me to better myself and this fic as it progresses. PLEASE no pointless "omg ur fic sux go die in a fier!" I can't stand the bad spelling. So, constructive critical flames are accepted gladly. Do me a favor in helping me prove a point.

So, without further ado, I don't, and probably never will, own and part of Kingdom Hearts–concept, characters, and plot included. Please don't sue, I'm poor.

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Ellen stared blankly at me.

"Sherry! What happened to you!?" she managed to say after a prolonged silence.

Almost afraid, I looked down at my body. Every this-can't-ever-happen buzzer went off in my head.

Ellen and I had gathered at our friend Rachel's house for a fun round of Kingdom Hearts 2, as well as bashing the constant bad fanfiction that came out of it. We had worried at first about whether we would be able to play or not–after all, Rachel's PS2 did have a tendency to act up. This fear was chased away when the machine started without incident.

But something must have gone wrong. Somehow, as the game had been loading, we had been removed from Rachel's room and ended up somewhere that was most definitely _not_ Rachel's room, let alone her neighborhood, her town, her state, her country, her planet, her galaxy, her universe...need I go on?

And this lead to our current position–stranded on an unknown beach with light green sand and a violet sky, lush jungle to one side of us, vast ocean on the other. And, standing before me, were who I presumed to be my two friends, looking very different, but still sounding and acting the same.

Ellen's black-and-red highlighted hair had lightened to brown, and her normal black attire had given way to a sky blue dress and white apron, as well as brown shoes upon her feet. She also seemed shorter, but it was hard to tell from laying on the ground. Her eyes were no longer a maroon-brown, but a light, chocolate brown.

Rachel's curly brown bob had straightened and darkened to black. It now cascaded down her back to just above her hips and was held loosely by a few silver bands. Her hazel eyes had darkened, as well as the tone of her skin. Her silver top was cut just below her rib line, and the straps hung down her shoulders. She wore what looked like silver, shining sweat pants.

And myself? Gone were my legs, replaced with a long green fin, glittering with scales. I wore blue sea shells on my chest, and instinctively covered myself with my arms while trying to inspect my hair. Gone was my short, messy blonde hair. In its place was long, soft, red...

I stared back at the two of them in horrified realization. They looked exactly like Belle and Jasmine. And I...

"Oh crap..." I heard Rachel say. I managed to nod weakly in response.

"We're stuck in a Kingdom Hearts fanfiction."

And we pause with a cliffhanger. The author will return in a moment. She has math homework to finish.

Intermission Music

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaance to the muuuusiiiic!"

End Intermission Music.

We now return to the spoof.

Ellen immediately began surveying our surroundings while Rachel fell down next to me on the sandy beach.

"What are you doing?" I half-whispered at Ellen.

"Well, something's gotta happen," she replied, her eyes scanning the ocean carefully. "We'll meet a main character, be stalked by a bad guy, get crazy way-stronger-than-everyone-else powers, get kidna–AHA!" Her eyes stopped in the near by jungle. "Eyes spying!"

I grumbled. "I don't think now's the best time to play that game..."

"No! No! Someone's spying on us!"

Rachel and I turned in time to see several plants bob back to their original places.

"So that means..." I started.

"Yep," Rachel replied, standing back up. "3...2...1..."

A dark portal opened in front of us and the hooded, robed figure of an Organization XIII member stepped out.

"Ooooooh," I heard Ellen mumble. "So mysterious and scary."

The hooded person–it was hard to tell exactly which member it was–drew in a breath to begin speaking, but Rachel held up her hand.

"Let me guess. We're doomed?"

"Trespassing," I chimed in.

"You're going to steal our hearts."

"Or tell us about some freaky destiny that awaits us–some crazy power, perhaps, or that one of us is a Keyblade wielder."

"Or you need our crazy Princess Life power to run a giant machine so you can destroy the world."

"Gonna kidnap us, maybe?"

"Enter the hero," Ellen finished.

Right on cue, Sora, Donald, and Goofy jumped in front of us.

"We'll save you!" Goofy yelled as Ellen mouthed the line.

The hooded Organization member merely stood for a few seconds, still as a statue, before backing into the portal, which, in turn, disappeared.

"Are you okay?" Donald asked each of us after the initial shock of the fleeing-and-totally-strange-hooded-person subsided.

I nodded, trying to ignore the sick feeling in my stomach. Truth be told, I was in no mood for what was inevitable–that we'd be dragged to some helter skelter fanbrat version of Kingdom Hearts: The Return.

Lord, kill me now.

"Shouldn't you be back in your own worlds?" Goofy asked.

"Yeah, how'd you end up here?" Donald continued the question.

Why wasn't Sora saying any–

Oh God.

Standing before us was Emo Goth Sora, complete with teardrop tattoos, chains, and piercings. He wandered away from us, staring out to sea.

Rachel's sharp intake of breath told me she had just seen this too.

"Uh...ladies?" Donald's voice broke my train of thought.

Rachel was the brave one. "What...worlds?"

Donald and Goofy stared at her openly.

"Why, your highness, are you feeling alright?" Donald looked prepared to cast Curaga on her.

I could have sworn I heard Ellen cursing under her breath right then. I began fanning myself with my hands as I watched Emo Sora pouting by the ocean. Rachel took charge of figuring out our situation with Donald and Goofy, while Ellen plopped down next to me.

"The next thing, you know," Ellen began, already laughing, "will be Riku turning into a chick or Kairi turning into a man."

I shook my head and pointed down the beach. Walking towards us was none other than Roxas.

"What the hell!?" Ellen shouted. "Stop the fic! That's impossible!"

And yet, right before our eyes, Roxas collided with Sora...

...and blushes appeared on both boys' faces.

"OH!!! HELL NO!!!" Rachel shouted, pushing past Donald and Goofy, towards the Keyblade Master and his nobody. "I will _not _be stuck in some freakishly impossible, technically incestual yaoi fic!" She stormed between the two, pushing them apart. "You!" she said, pointing at Roxas. "Go back to wherever you came from and wait for a possible opportunity to reveal yourself. No co-existing!"

Roxas stared back a moment, then was sucked into a portal by a long, black-clad arm.

"If they 'do it' wouldn't it technically be masturbation?" Ellen whispered to me.

And I couldn't hold it back anymore. My laughter escaped me, and I rolled around the sand through fits of giggles until Donald dumped a bucket of water on me.

"You _really_ shouldn't be out of the sea, your highness," he said. "I think the dry air is effecting you. We'll get you back to Atlantica as soon as possible."

Sora finally spoke, in a voice that sounded strangely robotic. "Atlantica is still several worlds away from here."

Silence.

And then.

"OH-MI-GAWD HE'S COMING OUT OF IT!!! Normal Sora will be back soon!" Rachel bounced up and down with glee, something very strange to see with her being in the form of Jasmine. It took a tackle from Ellen to stop her, which caused another fit of laughter from me. Anyone ever picture Belle tackling Jasmine? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Finally, after an eternity of talking that is always pointless to write in fics like this, it was decided that Donald would turn my fin to legs, but I would have to lose my voice until I was turned back.

May I point out how original this is?

Even relinquishing my voice, I refused to be given legs until someone found me proper clothing and somewhere to not only go through the process, but to put the clothing on.

Ellen threw the apron at me.

Harr harr harr.

Spare clothing was found in the Gummi Ship and handed to me, and I found myself crammed into a small room. Donald stood just outside and a strange, glowing light enveloped me and my fin split in two, then changed color and form until I had proper legs. I changed quickly into what I had been given–a pair of black breeches, a white top, and a blue belt–and stepped out into whatever crazy adventure I was being tossed into.

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And so it is done. No turning back now. Oh darn.

I would like to mention again that reviews are ALWAYS encouraging and helpful. Any kind. Give me good, give me bad, just click that little purple button and give!

Thanks for your attention!


	2. Chapter 2

Alright, Chapter 2!!!

Because what else does my life consist of than making myself laugh until three in the morning while writing random stuff? Nothing, that's what. Which is exactly why I do it.

A quick response to one of the reviews, yaoi is boy on boy...stuffs. Generally, it revolves around the sex of the relationship–most yaoi seems to, at least. In Wikipedia terms, it "focuses on homosexual relationships between male characters and is generally sexually explicit." So there you go!

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So far, minus the Roxas incident and Emo Sora, things didn't seem to be going so badly. The Gummi ship was halfway peaceful, and Ellen, Rachel and I dedicated ourselves to finding an alternate form of communication for me. We ended up somewhere in the middle of sign-language letters and charades, since none of us actually know sign language.

So, aside from not having a voice, this fic wasn't turning out so badly. I mean, sure, we'd have to figure out some way to get Emo Sora back to Sora, but at least we weren't stuck in some alternate high school universe, right?

Me and my big mouth.

The second the Gummi Ship landed in the middle of a modern-day city I heard audible moans and groans from Rachel and Ellen. Emo Sora left the ship without a word, and Donald and Goofy pushed us out with an attitude that was only halfway cheery.

"Everyone needs a good education! See you in a week!" Donald said as the ship's door slammed closed behind us.

"What happened to getting the princesses home?" Ellen grumbled.

I shrugged in response. I was still trying to figure out how to get through school without a voice.

"I think we should worry more about figuring out where we're supposed to stay," Rachel replied, scanning the buildings around us. It seemed we were in a small city, not too busy yet not very quiet.

Emo Sora appeared next to Rachel. "Boarding School," he said, pointing across the street.

Sure enough, a large building stood in front of us, the words "Ansem's School of Gifted Children" engraved across the entry way.

"It's like...X-Men or something," Ellen giggled.

"Great," Rachel replied. "Let's go find Wolverine and have him slash us a route out of this fic."

We were greeted in the hallway by a woman who looked strangely like Larxene, and she directed us to our rooms. "Two to a room!" she said cheerfully. "And no co-ed!"

And with that she bounced away.

The three of us looked around us for a few moments, unsure of what to do.

"Can I help you ladies?" a suave voice said from behind Rachel. She immediately squealed and turned around to face Demyx.

It took the next five minutes to calm her down enough to accept Demyx's help. He explained the rooms to us, as well as the class schedule of the school.

"Generally, this floor and section has English, Math, History, then lunch, then Science, a random free period, and then club time. You just need to follow the beat of the bells." He flashed a grin at Rachel. "We have the same lunch period. Maybe you can join me?"

Rachel nodded slowly, a small smile spreading across her face.

"Great!" He leaned forward, obviously about to say more, when a shout for him came from down the hallway. "Be right there!" he shouted back. "I'll see you tomorrow afternoon," he said, winking at Rachel. Then he walked away towards a group of hooded students.

Rachel paused. "I just freaked out for no reason, didn't I?"

I nodded, and Ellen started laughing. "Yeah. Yeah, you did."

"But it was Demyx," Rachel said slowly. "But it wasn't..."

The initial shock of the Demyx-meeting over, Rachel was very quiet for the next several minutes, until a small, "Dammit!" escaped her lips and her smile returned.

At this point, Sora bounced up to us.

Wait. Bounced?

And yet, sure enough, Emo Sora was gone, replaced by some freakish, naive, and hyperactive version of Sora.

"Hey guys!" he laughed. "Just checking to make sure everything's a-okie-dokie!"

I nodded my head, thinking that even if I had been able to speak, I couldn't have. Gone was any trace of black, tattoos, chains, and piercings, replaced by yellow and white clothing, with what looked strangely like a pink flower on part of the shirt. And, smack dab in the middle of the eye-killing color, was Sora's smiling face.

"Oh my freaking God..." Rachel said, stepping slowly in to the room closest to us. Ellen merely stood, staring at Sora with a slightly dazed and goofy grin plastered on her face.

"I'm sooooooooooooooooooooo sorry about your voice, Sherry!" Sora yelled as he bounced from one foot to another. "I'm gonna talk to Donald and see if we can get it all fixed up for ya!"

It was the first time I had ever wanted to smack Sora. Mainly because of the potty-dance that he had going, but there was a little bit of me that disliked being reminded of the fact that I couldn't speak.

"Omigawd there's Kokoro!" Sora bounced even higher as a girl of fifteen joined us.

Even Rachel poked her head back out.

There, in front of us, in flesh and blood, was the fic's Mary Sue.

Perfect blonde hair. Thin as a spider's leg. Sparkling, glittery blue eyes. I swear to God there were rose petals surrounding her. Not to mention the eyes of every boy in the hallway.

It reminded me vaguely of Marluxia's entrance into Chain of Memories. Minus the hooded black robe.

But that wasn't the worst of it. Right behind her was Riku. A slightly different Riku than normal...

"Danny?" Ellen shouted out, taking a tentative step towards Riku.

A familiar spark of amusement in Riku's eye proved us correct.

"Who's Danny?" Sora said, staring into Kokoro's own pool-of-poison eyes.

Riku/Danny coughed. "I'll be right back," he said to Kokoro and Sora, who were getting very touchy-feely. And then Riku/Danny pushed Ellen and I into the room that Rachel already occupied and closed the door.

His smile immediately fell. "What the hell is going on?" he asked. "Here I am, sitting in my living room, playing my video games, and all of a sudden I'm being attacked by Ansem. And I could have sworn I saw Charity dressed as Mulan earlier..."

So another of our friends, Charity, was also here.

Well, it's a small, small world, as they say.

My mouth opened to explain, and I was once again reminded of my magical mute abilities.

I'm going to have a talk with the author about this.

"The same thing happened to us," Rachel said. "Well, not exactly. We weren't attacked by Ansem. We ended up in dresses instead."

"Alright, it's okay, we'll figure this out," Ellen said. "But first, can someone _please_ turn that light down. It's killing my eyes."

I reached over to the knob that controlled the light and dimmed it. But it wasn't dimming. Or, better to say, the lightbulb dimmed, but the light in the room grew stronger. And it wasn't focused on the ceiling. No, instead it was at about waist level. Right where our hands were resting.

All four of us lifted our hands. Each was glowing a different color. Rachel's had a red tint to them, Ellen's were more yellow, my own were blue, and Danny's were purple.

The glow kept us mesmerized for several minutes before it finally subsided.

"Our powers are growing in," Rachel groaned. "We need to get out of here soon."

I turned the lights back up, and just in time. The door swung open and Sora, bare chested, entered, dragging Kokoro, whose face was latched to his, her skirt hoisted up to her waist.

"AAAAAAAH!!!"

"OH MY GOD!!!"

"..."

"GAAH!!!"

The four of us ran from the room, trying to rid the sight from our minds. We stopped a few hallways down to catch our breath, leaning against the walls or panting on the floor.

"Alright." Ellen was the first to recover. "The first thing we need to do is get Sherry's voice back. Maybe we can trade something else to Donald?"

A few nods of agreement and a quick walk later we found ourselves back in the Gummi Ship, standing in front of Donald, who was examining my mouth carefully.

"Well, I can give it back," he said. "But I'll need something to counter it with."

In the end, Riku's body was traded, and ghost-form Danny floated around behind us as we left.

So much for avoiding random crossovers. And, by the look on the others' faces, they were thinking the same, especially as we rounded a corner to find Tucker Foley and Sam Manson walking towards us.

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And so Chapter 2 ends. I'm not sure when Chapter 3 will be up, as my internet has been a tad wonky as of late (as in, working perfectly fine and then shutting off for a day or two, yet still showing that everything's connected). No, I'm dead serious. All of the lights are on, everything's properly hooked up, there're no blinking lights of doom announcing the lack of internet. Everything's working perfectly, except the internet itself.

So bear with me. We'll make it through somehow.


	3. Chapter 3

Whoo! Third chapter's finally up! Sorry it took so long to get this up—it's been difficult to get time between life and studying for finals.

So…I've been reading a TON of bad fics lately, and I seriously needed to get this chapter out of my system and in to yours.

Disclaimer: This goes for chapter two as well, since I forgot while trying to get the chapter up before the internet plug was pulled, but I do not own Kingdom Hearts, Disney, Nickelodeon, or Square Enix. If I did, I wouldn't have to be writing these horrible chapters because all of the fanbrats would be burning in a fiery oblivion, watched gleefully by Axel.

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Sam and Tucker stood in front of us, both staring at Danny's floating form.

"There you are, Danny!" Tucker said as he attempted to tackle-glomp the bodiless boy.

Danny glared as Tucker's body passed straight through him. "I'm not the Danny you're looking for," he said, waving his arms.

Sam leaned forward to poke him. "Are you _sure_?"

"Do I look even remotely like him?"

There was a very long and uncomfortable silence.

"Besides that you're a ghost?" Tucker asked. "Not really…..but your name's Danny!"

"Yeah, you could easily be mistaken for him," Sam added. "The name, the lack of a solid form…you're cute enough."

Rachel's eye caught my own and we both gagged. Since when was Sam running around calling Danny cute?

There was a moment of confusion—well, I wouldn't exactly call it a moment since this whole adventure was confusing, but still—as a female figure attacked Sam. The two tumbled about the ground, wrestling until they were forced apart by some effort from Ellen and me. It wasn't until they finally stopped kicking at each other that I realized that the girl Ellen held by her forearms was Paulina.

"DANNY PHANTOM I LOVE YOU!!!" she screamed.

Sam opened her mouth, obviously about to give some curse-word filled insult, but her body suddenly lost all tension, and all that came from her mouth was an awe-stricken, "Oh my…"

…for Emo Sora had returned, and Sam's eyes had turned to hearts. Before anyone could stop her, she wrenched herself from my grasp and bounded after Emo Sora.

"Oh how wonderful," Rachel muttered.

To make matters worse, our hands were beginning to glow again.

"No no no NO NOOOO!!" Ellen dropped Paulina and shoved her hands into her apron's pockets. "We need to get out of here fast!" she said. "_Before _we become crazy Mansex followers."

Danny's transparent eyes grew larger.

"Not the meaning you're thinking," Rachel said as she failed at her attempt to pat his shoulder. "It has double meaning."

The next half hour was spent with Danny fending off Tucker and the rest of us devising a plan to get home.

"Well, normally we'd have to travel," Rachel said. "Go save other worlds and such."

"And then defeat some psycho bad guy that was defeated forever ago but magically comes back from the dead," Ellen continued. "Knowing our luck it'll be Zexion or Marluxia."

"My bet would be Marluxia," I said. "Fanbrats don't know a whole lot about Zexion, so the only time he's ever mentioned is when they've classified him as emo."

Rachel glared at the ground. "Zexion is _not _emo."

"You know that, I know that, but the fanbrats don't," I mumbled.

"What the hell is that?" Ellen asked.

Rachel and I both looked up to see Mulan running towards us.

"Isn't that…" I started.

"Charity!" Rachel yelled as she jumped up to great our friend.

"You guys have any idea how long it took me to find you?" she huffed, trying to catch her breath. "It's bad enough that you don't even look normal…"

There was a loud thud as Tucker ran in to a wall, and fell down to the sidewalk with an unhappy pout. He gathered himself after a few seconds before running after Sam and Emo Sora, who were just leaving the Hot Topic across the street.

"Finally!" Danny floated back over to us, a mild look of content on his face.

"No…" Ellen groaned. Our hands were glowing once more, this time much brighter than the previous times.

There was a strange tingle in my palm as a shape started to form out of the light. The others had similar shapes forming in their palms. Ellen swore with loud profanities as the light blinded us, then receded to reveal five shining keyblades in our hands.

My own was blue in color, with a crescent moon surrounding a star on the end.

Yep. Crappy, new keyblade time. Now all we needed was a pop-up screen with the names.

Ellen's was yellow, with yellow-green leaves on the front, Rachel's was a red, with an orange sun, and Charity held a green keyblade, pink flowers adorning the end.

"I feel….really….fruity…" Danny mumbled. We all looked over to him and I had to turn away to stifle the laughter. In his hand was a bright purple keyblade, a rosy pink heart on the end.

Charity looked us over. "Water, fire, wind, earth, heart…It's like friggin' Captain Planet…"

"Or Sailor Moon," I added.

Danny sighed. "I suppose we should find the Sora and drag him back to the Gummi Ship," he said with a slight whine in his voice. I nodded in agreement, and we began our hunt for the hero.

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So, there we have it. Chapter three. And must I say, I adore Danny's lil heart-blade. Hahahahaha…

The purple button is your best friend! Click it and review!


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